all rise for the wing-king

Dude, are you serious? Whilst on a recent fact finding mission for the awesome Jeremy Scott teddy bear adidas trainers, I came across these beauties. What the actual flying fuck?

Technically these pants (yup, I am going ALL American on your ass here. Punk) are for dudes. Click the pic to buy 'em for £95! I would die if I saw a real life man mincing (oh you reckon a dude could do anything but mince in these babies, do you?) down the street in these. Of happiness you understand. Sheer happiness and tickledness. But, I'm also thinking about these guys for myself a bit here. You see, I suffer a devastating lady condition. One that flicks the finger at bodycon, pretty much rules out pencil skirts and skinny jeans and renders hareem pants a vile impossibility. Yes lady friends, we're talking saddle bags. Saddle bags are a bitch. Why, pockets of fat, why must you sit oh-so-wobbly right at the outside edge of the top of my thighs? Don't you think big thighs are enough on their own?! So what could these creations possibly do for the 'bagged' among us. Simples. Imagine, if you will: I pop down the gym and some particularly nasty type asks "gosh, aren't you embarrassed by those enormous saddle bags?" I can simply say "Honey. Those aren't saddle bags, those are wings". Reason enough to invest? You decide.

And for anyone suffering from back boobs, here's your solution...(a mere £120)

Jeremy Scott for adidas gives you wiiiiiiiings. Oh, hang on...